Guiding our Daughters in a Path of Self Confidence by Stephanie Bankhead, AmaJrs Club Director

Guiding Our Daughters in a Path of Self Confidence

As the young mother of a daughter and a son, there were so many things that I worried about... would they remain healthy? Would they do well in school? Would they have real friends? Would they grow up to resent things I did as a mom or decisions I made for them? There were a million worries, as I'm a self-admitted worrier. It comes naturally to me. I come from a family of worrying moms and grandmas. As I grew and matured in my relationship with God, I learned that worrying is actually a sin. It is rooted in fear and God was opening my eyes to the result of fear in my life. Joyce Meyer says that God told her, "You can be pitiful or powerful, but you can't be both." That hit me like a ton of bricks and it was then that I relentlessly began to pursue a life of peace and of courageously fighting fear.
When it came down to the reality of what I really wanted for my kids, it was very simple. I wanted them to have an intimate relationship with God and to love other people. I realized that if those two things were true in their lives, they would be healthy, confident adults.
As parents, we hurt when our children hurt. There is a quote that makes me cry because it's so true. It says, "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." When our children are hurt or struggling in life, as parents we want to jump in and save the day. There are definitely times to jump in. For example, when they are babies or pre-schoolers and they can't speak for or defend themselves. As elementary-aged children, we have to be advocates for them. Now that we have an empty nest, with both of our children out in the big world on their own, my husband Ron and I have learned much through hindsight. We certainly didn't make all the right parenting decisions, but we did learn that their flight out of the nest happens quickly. It's so important that before that takes place we teach our children how to handle situations and people on their own. We certainly need to guide them along the path, however, we can't fix it for them. They have to learn to communicate and work things out. Think about the relationships you have right now... the very best, closest friends and family are the ones that you have been through trials and struggles with and made it through to the other side. That is going to be true of your children as well. The friends that they have trials with or walk through trials with are going to end up being lifelong friends.
The sport of volleyball offers many opportunities for our daughters to encounter real-life situations while remaining under the watchful eye of parents, coaches and other adults in their lives who care for them. These situations are where their self-confidence is gained. We gain self-confidence by "feeling the fear and doing it anyway." We gain self-confidence by working hard at something and seeing our hard work turn into success. We DON'T gain self-confidence by having someone else do it for us. In fact, that sets us up for the exact opposite. We actually LOSE self-confidence when someone does it for us. Keep in mind there is a reason God created those strong-willed toddlers to say, "My do it!" Remember that? They didn't want our help, they wanted the feeling of doing it on their own.
If your daughter is struggling with her place on her team, or with issues with friends or coaches, the BEST thing you can do to guide her along the path toward self-confidence is to give her the tools to communicate and focus and let her work it out on her own. If it is trouble with teammates, encourage her to sit down and talk with that person. Talk through some scenarios with her on what she might say to get her feelings across to her teammate and encourage her to find out what her teammate may be going through herself. If it is discouragement due to playing time or position, encourage her to continue working hard. Guide her to schedule a meeting with her coach and ask her coach for specific things she can do to improve and earn the position she wants on the court. It's good to have her write down the things she wants to talk to her coach about so she won't forget when she is nervous during the meeting. A coach will be so impressed and encouraged by a player who does that rather than continuing to have a bad attitude or having a parent confront them about their daughter's playing time. We tell our volleyball teams all the time that they must be determined, not discouraged, in order to win matches. That goes the same for individual goals and positions. If we allow our kids to feel that they are being "cheated" - when in fact it may be that another player is outplaying them - then we are doing nothing to help our kids be powerful. In fact, we are enabling them to be pitiful.
My quest in life to overcome fear and be the self-confident woman that God created me to be has lead me down many paths. I have to say that several along the way were difficult. One in particular that very quickly comes to mind is being diagnosed with cancer in 2010. But those difficult times in my life brought me closer to God and with His help I was able to overcome those fears and worries. God, being the loving Father that He is, didn't immediately deliver me from any of the trials that have recently happened in my life. He gently and patiently walked me through them, allowing me to make a few mistakes along the way. My prayer for you all is that you choose to follow the parenting path of your Heavenly Father. In John 16:33 Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble; but take heart! I have overcome the world.” No matter how much our hearts do not want our kids to struggle, it is inevitable in this life. Let's point them and ourselves to the One who can help us overcome the trials in this life. Friends, that is my heart's desire for all of you who are in the midst of raising your children. It is the noblest job on the planet and one that thankfully, so many take seriously. May God walk you through to your own self-confidence in Him and in the knowledge that He will do the same for your dear, sweet children.
Be blessed today!
Contributing blogger Stephanie Bankhead is the Amarillo Juniors Club Director, 16 Black coach (along with husband Ron "Tator" Bankhead), mother of two grown children and grandmother to one adorable 2-year-old boy. In addition to her position in the volleyball world, Stephanie is also the leader of a women's Bible study.