Guiding our Daughters in a Path of Self Confidence by Stephanie Bankhead, AmaJrs Club Director

Guiding Our Daughters in a Path of Self Confidence

As the young mother of a daughter and a son, there were so many things that I worried about... would they remain healthy? Would they do well in school? Would they have real friends? Would they grow up to resent things I did as a mom or decisions I made for them? There were a million worries, as I'm a self-admitted worrier. It comes naturally to me. I come from a family of worrying moms and grandmas. As I grew and matured in my relationship with God, I learned that worrying is actually a sin. It is rooted in fear and God was opening my eyes to the result of fear in my life. Joyce Meyer says that God told her, "You can be pitiful or powerful, but you can't be both." That hit me like a ton of bricks and it was then that I relentlessly began to pursue a life of peace and of courageously fighting fear.
When it came down to the reality of what I really wanted for my kids, it was very simple. I wanted them to have an intimate relationship with God and to love other people. I realized that if those two things were true in their lives, they would be healthy, confident adults.
As parents, we hurt when our children hurt. There is a quote that makes me cry because it's so true. It says, "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." When our children are hurt or struggling in life, as parents we want to jump in and save the day. There are definitely times to jump in. For example, when they are babies or pre-schoolers and they can't speak for or defend themselves. As elementary-aged children, we have to be advocates for them. Now that we have an empty nest, with both of our children out in the big world on their own, my husband Ron and I have learned much through hindsight. We certainly didn't make all the right parenting decisions, but we did learn that their flight out of the nest happens quickly. It's so important that before that takes place we teach our children how to handle situations and people on their own. We certainly need to guide them along the path, however, we can't fix it for them. They have to learn to communicate and work things out. Think about the relationships you have right now... the very best, closest friends and family are the ones that you have been through trials and struggles with and made it through to the other side. That is going to be true of your children as well. The friends that they have trials with or walk through trials with are going to end up being lifelong friends.
The sport of volleyball offers many opportunities for our daughters to encounter real-life situations while remaining under the watchful eye of parents, coaches and other adults in their lives who care for them. These situations are where their self-confidence is gained. We gain self-confidence by "feeling the fear and doing it anyway." We gain self-confidence by working hard at something and seeing our hard work turn into success. We DON'T gain self-confidence by having someone else do it for us. In fact, that sets us up for the exact opposite. We actually LOSE self-confidence when someone does it for us. Keep in mind there is a reason God created those strong-willed toddlers to say, "My do it!" Remember that? They didn't want our help, they wanted the feeling of doing it on their own.
If your daughter is struggling with her place on her team, or with issues with friends or coaches, the BEST thing you can do to guide her along the path toward self-confidence is to give her the tools to communicate and focus and let her work it out on her own. If it is trouble with teammates, encourage her to sit down and talk with that person. Talk through some scenarios with her on what she might say to get her feelings across to her teammate and encourage her to find out what her teammate may be going through herself. If it is discouragement due to playing time or position, encourage her to continue working hard. Guide her to schedule a meeting with her coach and ask her coach for specific things she can do to improve and earn the position she wants on the court. It's good to have her write down the things she wants to talk to her coach about so she won't forget when she is nervous during the meeting. A coach will be so impressed and encouraged by a player who does that rather than continuing to have a bad attitude or having a parent confront them about their daughter's playing time. We tell our volleyball teams all the time that they must be determined, not discouraged, in order to win matches. That goes the same for individual goals and positions. If we allow our kids to feel that they are being "cheated" - when in fact it may be that another player is outplaying them - then we are doing nothing to help our kids be powerful. In fact, we are enabling them to be pitiful.
My quest in life to overcome fear and be the self-confident woman that God created me to be has lead me down many paths. I have to say that several along the way were difficult. One in particular that very quickly comes to mind is being diagnosed with cancer in 2010. But those difficult times in my life brought me closer to God and with His help I was able to overcome those fears and worries. God, being the loving Father that He is, didn't immediately deliver me from any of the trials that have recently happened in my life. He gently and patiently walked me through them, allowing me to make a few mistakes along the way. My prayer for you all is that you choose to follow the parenting path of your Heavenly Father. In John 16:33 Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble; but take heart! I have overcome the world.” No matter how much our hearts do not want our kids to struggle, it is inevitable in this life. Let's point them and ourselves to the One who can help us overcome the trials in this life. Friends, that is my heart's desire for all of you who are in the midst of raising your children. It is the noblest job on the planet and one that thankfully, so many take seriously. May God walk you through to your own self-confidence in Him and in the knowledge that He will do the same for your dear, sweet children.
Be blessed today!
Contributing blogger Stephanie Bankhead is the Amarillo Juniors Club Director, 16 Black coach (along with husband Ron "Tator" Bankhead), mother of two grown children and grandmother to one adorable 2-year-old boy. In addition to her position in the volleyball world, Stephanie is also the leader of a women's Bible study.

What's my role as the parent of an athlete?

Sometimes, knowing your role as a parent when it comes to your child's sports team is tricky. Do I push her, or am I pushing too hard? Am I teaching her discipline, or am I forcing her to do something she just isn't that interested in? There are a lot of questions.
At Monday night's parent meeting we had Licensed Professional Counselor (and mom of a 12-year-old in our club) LeAnn Sorrels speak to the parent's in attendance about their role. LeAnn, who has 23 years of experience in her field, now has a few years under her belt as the mom of a club volleyball athlete. Between that and her job, she's learned a few things that she shared with the group.
Her acronym: SUPPORT.


S- self-confidence
U- understanding
P- positive visualization
P- parental role
O- optimism
R- respect
T- team

Licensed Family Counselor and mom of an Amarillo Juniors
athlete LeAnn Sorrels talks at Monday's 12s parent meeting.
LeAnn shared what she has learned in her experience as
a parent of an athlete combined with her 23 years of
counseling practice.

Self-confidence is something that every person, at some point in time, has struggled with. On and off the court, learning how to have and maintain confidence is essential to success on all levels. As a parent (trust us, we've all been there!) we know how easy it is to get absolutely absorbed in the game. You feel what your child feels. You yearn to see your child succeed. Overall, though, according to LeAnn, your best bet as a parent is to be your child's biggest cheerleader. Which leads to the "U" - understanding. Be encouraging and help instill self-confidence in them by providing encouraging words before AND after their games, at home, away from home, at school... positive reinforcement, LeAnn says, really is key. After all, most players are hard enough on themselves already!

Positive visualization is something you will hear most life-coach professionals talk about. It's important to see yourself succeeding at whatever you're doing, and that stands true on the volleyball court. Always encourage your child to focus on how they want to perform a task, not on how they didn't perform it well the first time. Help them to imagine where it is they want to be and then guide them in taking steps toward those goals. Coaches call this "next ball mentality" - which is essentially a player's ability to move on from the last play and focus on the play at hand. "Not commenting on what your child is doing well is creating a cognitive path to focus on mistakes not accomplishments," LeAnn said, "instead of a cognitive path to 'I will get this; it will come as I practice and visualize!'"

And next comes parental role. Ahhh parental role. What a fine line walked, eh? According to LeAnn, some of the biggest mistakes a parent can make are:
1. Pushing too hard.
"This stifles the fun of learning and creates a path for them to start beating themselves up if they make mistakes," LeAnn said. "Be sure this is your child's dream, not just yours."
2. Yelling/coaching during the game or between games.
Essentially there are too many chiefs! Your child's eagerness to please both you and her coach can take its toll. Also, she may be getting conflicting messages between you and her coaches, LeAnn said.

How about this one (the glass is half-full!)... optimism! What an important life-tool. Again, this goes back to positive reinforcement. Teach your child to always be optimistic about what she can achieve, and she will likely get there! (Insert parental lesson here: We can all benefit from this! If we talk positively and optimistically to ourselves instead of negatively we are far more likely to succeed.)

Also, be sure that you are respecting the leadership of your child's coach. For any parent out there who has ever coached a sport, you can attest to the fact that it's not easy! LeAnn has learned that you have to trust and respect your coaches' decisions, she said. It's not always easy to understand why your daughter may have a certain role on her team, but it's important to remember that a coach has a reason for everything. Respect the coaches' knowledge of the game and, if necessary, schedule a time to talk more extensively (and calmy) about why certain decisions have been made.

And lastly, team. Every team-sport athlete has to have a "WE is greater than ME" mentality. The bottom line is, all decisions that are made have to best benefit the team, not just the individual. In club sports, parents, too, are members of the team. Obviously, you parents out there play an essential role in helping the coach guide your athlete to success. If you all work toward the same goal together and "play" for one another, not against one another, the season will be successful AND it will be FUN!

Thanks, LeAnn, for sharing your insights with us!

- Amarillo Juniors

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